Humor
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
Catch-22
At work I ran across someone in the Army actually named Major Major. This reminded me of a character from a movie that came out in 1970
called Catch-22 (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0065528/) about a man in the military trying to get himself certified insane so as to get out of his
combat missions.
One of the characters in Catch-22, played by Bob Newhart, was Maj. Major Major Major. I happened find a summary of the original novel
that explained how he came by this name and found it humorous:
...He has the surname Major, and at birth his father gave him the first and middle names Major and Major, informing the mother that he had
named the boy 'Caleb' in accordance with her wishes. She only discovers Major Major's actual full name when his birth certificate is required
for him to enter kindergarten, and the shock leads to her death. The novel explains that the name was a joke, and not a particularly funny one,
on his father's part.
His father is mentioned briefly in the novel. A staunch Calvinist, he is one of the richest alfalfa farmers in his community. He receives a farm
subsidy for every crop of alfalfa that he does not grow with his farmland and uses this money to buy more land to not grow alfalfa on. He
believes that receiving money for not producing something is divinely ordained. Ironically, he preaches the proverb "You reap what you sow",
and maintains that federal aid to anyone but farmers is "creeping socialism". "He would leap out of bed at the crack of noon each day, to ensure
that the chores were not being done.”
Source http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Major_Major_Major_Major
The Dilemma
The story is told of a group of theologians who were discussing predestination and free will.
Things became so heated that the group broke up into two opposing factions.
But one man, not knowing which to join, stood for a moment trying to decide. At last he joined the predestination group.
“Who sent you here?” they asked.
“No one sent me,” he replied. “I considered the facts and decided on my own.”
“Free Will!” they exclaimed. “You can’t join us! You belong with the other group!”
So he followed their orders and went to the other clique.
There someone asked, “When did you decide to join us?”
The young man replied, “Well, I didn’t really decide--I was sent here.”
“Sent here!” they shouted. “You can’t join us unless you have decided by your own free will.”
"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!" an irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded.
"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".
There was a long before she was heard to mutter, "Hmmm... no wonder no one else was at church today".
Deacon Meeting
Jerry Clower told about his Uncle Percy Ledbetter who was a deacon in his church and how as he was getting up in years he didn't go to a lot
of the deacon meetings. Uncle Percy figured he'd let the younger fellers, those in their 50's and 60's, have a chance to run things.
One day he heard the deacons were going to meet to discuss buying a new chandelier for the church. So Uncle Percy got his grandson to drive
him to the meeting.
At the meeting the chairman of the deacons announced that they had a motion to buy a new chandelier for the church and then someone else
seconded the motion and the chairman asked if there was any discussion.
Uncle Percy announced he had something to say.
He said, “First, that there isn't anyone in the room who could spell the word "chandelier" to order one from the Sears and Roebuck catalog.
“Second,” he said, “there isn't anyone in the church that could play a chandelier if they had one.”
“And third if they were going to spend any money at all they should spend it on something they really needed, like better lights in the church!”
______________________________
MEMO FROM THE PULPIT COMMITTEE
"At your instructions, we have considered a number of candidates to fill our pulpit vacancy. After much investigation, here are our conclusions
and recommendations:
1. Noah. A moral and upstanding man, strong family. Good pulpit man. Has more than 120 years preaching experience, but as far as we can
tell, not one single convert.
2. Moses. He stutters. Shows evidence of impatience and a fiery temper. There was a rumor that we could not verify that he had killed
someone with his bare hands. Hardly the kind of man we need in deacon's meetings.
3. Abraham. Ran away to Egypt when times got hard. Got into trouble with the authorities and tried to lie his way out of it.
4. David. Excellent leadership qualities, but unacceptable moral character. Abused his position of power. When he got into trouble he attempted
an elaborate cover-up scheme. We might have considered him for a position of Minister of Music had he not fallen.
5. Solomon. Has a wide reputation for wisdom, but doesn't practice what he preaches. Evidence of marriage problems.
6. Elijah. Excellent physical health, and a strong preacher. But known to fold under pressure. Given to bouts of depression.
7. Isaiah. A man of unclean lips. He even admits it.
8. Amos. No seminary training. Seems to be good at agriculture...especially fig farming.
9. John the Baptist. A great pulpiteer. A strong Baptist. But, he lacks tact and manners. Dresses like a hippie.
10. Peter. On more than one occasion has actually denied that he even knew Jesus. Hardly the man we need to lead us in an aggressive
outreach program.
11. Paul. Has a reputation for long sermons that put people to sleep. Has self-published a number of books, but they don't seem to have been
widely read. His appearance is below our standards.
12. Timothy. Has potential, but a bit young. Has been known to run home to Mama when the going gets rough. Has a history of bad health...
particularly stomach trouble.
13. Jesus of Nazareth. Can't seem to preach without offending large segments of the congregation. He has, on occasion, actually been run out of
town. There is some cloud over his family background. He has no formal training. His style of preaching is way too simple. In general is far too
controversial.
However, there is one man that stands out above the rest. He is a people-person and compassionate. He is concerned about the poor. Yet, he
evidences great initiative in a practical way. He is concerned about waste. He is an excellent fund-raiser and has experience dealing with the rich
and powerful. Therefore, our Committee unanimously recommends, for your consideration, as our next pastor...#14. Judas Iscariot.
___________________________________
PRAISE THE LORD!
There was a little old lady, who every morning. stepped onto her front porch, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted:
"PRAISE THE LORD!"
One day an atheist moved into the house next door. He became irritated at the little old lady. Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after
her and yell: " THERE IS NO LORD!"
Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every day.
One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted:
"PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord, I have no food and I am starving, provide for me, oh Lord!"
The next morning she stepped out onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there.
"PRAISE THE LORD!" she cried out. "HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES FOR ME!"
The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges and shouted: "THERE IS NO LORD; I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!"
The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted:
"PRAISE THE LORD! HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!"
What would happen if we treated our Bible like we treat our cell phones?
Unlike our cell phone, we don't ever have to worry about our bible being disconnected because Jesus already paid the bill!
A man went to a barbershop to have his hair cut and his beard trimmed.
As the barber began to work, they began to have a good conversation. They talked about so many things and various subjects.
When they eventually touched on the subject of God, the barber said: "I don't believe that God exists."
"Why do you say that?" asked the customer.
Replying the barber said, "Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God doesn't exist. Tell me, if God exists, would there be so
many sick people? Would there be abandoned children? If God existed, there would be neither suffering nor pain. I can't imagine a loving God
who would allow all of these things."
The customer thought for a moment, but didn't respond because he didn't want to start an argument. The barber finished his job and the
customer left the shop.
Just after he left the barbershop, he saw a man in the street with long, stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard. He looked dirty and unkempt.
The customer turned back and entered the barber shop again and he said to the barber: "You know what? Barbers do not exist."
"How can you say that?" asked the surprised barber.
"I am here, and I am a barber. And I just worked on you!"
"No!" the customer exclaimed. "Barbers don't exist because if they did, there would be no people with dirty long hair and untrimmed beards,
like that man outside."
"Ah, but barbers DO exist! That's what happens when people do not come to me."
"Exactly!" affirmed the customer. "That's the point! God, too, DOES exist! That's what happens when people do not go to Him and don't look
to Him for help. That's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world."
At work I ran across someone in the Army actually named Major Major. This reminded me of a character from a movie that came out in 1970
called Catch-22 (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0065528/) about a man in the military trying to get himself certified insane so as to get out of his
combat missions.
One of the characters in Catch-22, played by Bob Newhart, was Maj. Major Major Major. I happened find a summary of the original novel
that explained how he came by this name and found it humorous:
...He has the surname Major, and at birth his father gave him the first and middle names Major and Major, informing the mother that he had
named the boy 'Caleb' in accordance with her wishes. She only discovers Major Major's actual full name when his birth certificate is required
for him to enter kindergarten, and the shock leads to her death. The novel explains that the name was a joke, and not a particularly funny one,
on his father's part.
His father is mentioned briefly in the novel. A staunch Calvinist, he is one of the richest alfalfa farmers in his community. He receives a farm
subsidy for every crop of alfalfa that he does not grow with his farmland and uses this money to buy more land to not grow alfalfa on. He
believes that receiving money for not producing something is divinely ordained. Ironically, he preaches the proverb "You reap what you sow",
and maintains that federal aid to anyone but farmers is "creeping socialism". "He would leap out of bed at the crack of noon each day, to ensure
that the chores were not being done.”
Source http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Major_Major_Major_Major
The Dilemma
The story is told of a group of theologians who were discussing predestination and free will.
Things became so heated that the group broke up into two opposing factions.
But one man, not knowing which to join, stood for a moment trying to decide. At last he joined the predestination group.
“Who sent you here?” they asked.
“No one sent me,” he replied. “I considered the facts and decided on my own.”
“Free Will!” they exclaimed. “You can’t join us! You belong with the other group!”
So he followed their orders and went to the other clique.
There someone asked, “When did you decide to join us?”
The young man replied, “Well, I didn’t really decide--I was sent here.”
“Sent here!” they shouted. “You can’t join us unless you have decided by your own free will.”
- ________________________________
"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!" an irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded.
"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".
There was a long before she was heard to mutter, "Hmmm... no wonder no one else was at church today".
- _______________________________
Deacon Meeting
Jerry Clower told about his Uncle Percy Ledbetter who was a deacon in his church and how as he was getting up in years he didn't go to a lot
of the deacon meetings. Uncle Percy figured he'd let the younger fellers, those in their 50's and 60's, have a chance to run things.
One day he heard the deacons were going to meet to discuss buying a new chandelier for the church. So Uncle Percy got his grandson to drive
him to the meeting.
At the meeting the chairman of the deacons announced that they had a motion to buy a new chandelier for the church and then someone else
seconded the motion and the chairman asked if there was any discussion.
Uncle Percy announced he had something to say.
He said, “First, that there isn't anyone in the room who could spell the word "chandelier" to order one from the Sears and Roebuck catalog.
“Second,” he said, “there isn't anyone in the church that could play a chandelier if they had one.”
“And third if they were going to spend any money at all they should spend it on something they really needed, like better lights in the church!”
______________________________
MEMO FROM THE PULPIT COMMITTEE
"At your instructions, we have considered a number of candidates to fill our pulpit vacancy. After much investigation, here are our conclusions
and recommendations:
1. Noah. A moral and upstanding man, strong family. Good pulpit man. Has more than 120 years preaching experience, but as far as we can
tell, not one single convert.
2. Moses. He stutters. Shows evidence of impatience and a fiery temper. There was a rumor that we could not verify that he had killed
someone with his bare hands. Hardly the kind of man we need in deacon's meetings.
3. Abraham. Ran away to Egypt when times got hard. Got into trouble with the authorities and tried to lie his way out of it.
4. David. Excellent leadership qualities, but unacceptable moral character. Abused his position of power. When he got into trouble he attempted
an elaborate cover-up scheme. We might have considered him for a position of Minister of Music had he not fallen.
5. Solomon. Has a wide reputation for wisdom, but doesn't practice what he preaches. Evidence of marriage problems.
6. Elijah. Excellent physical health, and a strong preacher. But known to fold under pressure. Given to bouts of depression.
7. Isaiah. A man of unclean lips. He even admits it.
8. Amos. No seminary training. Seems to be good at agriculture...especially fig farming.
9. John the Baptist. A great pulpiteer. A strong Baptist. But, he lacks tact and manners. Dresses like a hippie.
10. Peter. On more than one occasion has actually denied that he even knew Jesus. Hardly the man we need to lead us in an aggressive
outreach program.
11. Paul. Has a reputation for long sermons that put people to sleep. Has self-published a number of books, but they don't seem to have been
widely read. His appearance is below our standards.
12. Timothy. Has potential, but a bit young. Has been known to run home to Mama when the going gets rough. Has a history of bad health...
particularly stomach trouble.
13. Jesus of Nazareth. Can't seem to preach without offending large segments of the congregation. He has, on occasion, actually been run out of
town. There is some cloud over his family background. He has no formal training. His style of preaching is way too simple. In general is far too
controversial.
However, there is one man that stands out above the rest. He is a people-person and compassionate. He is concerned about the poor. Yet, he
evidences great initiative in a practical way. He is concerned about waste. He is an excellent fund-raiser and has experience dealing with the rich
and powerful. Therefore, our Committee unanimously recommends, for your consideration, as our next pastor...#14. Judas Iscariot.
___________________________________
PRAISE THE LORD!
There was a little old lady, who every morning. stepped onto her front porch, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted:
"PRAISE THE LORD!"
One day an atheist moved into the house next door. He became irritated at the little old lady. Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after
her and yell: " THERE IS NO LORD!"
Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every day.
One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted:
"PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord, I have no food and I am starving, provide for me, oh Lord!"
The next morning she stepped out onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there.
"PRAISE THE LORD!" she cried out. "HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES FOR ME!"
The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges and shouted: "THERE IS NO LORD; I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!"
The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted:
"PRAISE THE LORD! HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!"
- ___________________________________
What would happen if we treated our Bible like we treat our cell phones?
- We would always carry it around in our purses or pockets.
- We would always turn back to go get it if we forgot it.
- We would flip through it several times a day.
- We would use it to receive messages from the text.
- We would treat it like we couldn't live without it.
- We would give it to kids as gifts.
- We would use it as we traveled.
- We would use it in case of an emergency.
Unlike our cell phone, we don't ever have to worry about our bible being disconnected because Jesus already paid the bill!
- _____________________________________
A man went to a barbershop to have his hair cut and his beard trimmed.
As the barber began to work, they began to have a good conversation. They talked about so many things and various subjects.
When they eventually touched on the subject of God, the barber said: "I don't believe that God exists."
"Why do you say that?" asked the customer.
Replying the barber said, "Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God doesn't exist. Tell me, if God exists, would there be so
many sick people? Would there be abandoned children? If God existed, there would be neither suffering nor pain. I can't imagine a loving God
who would allow all of these things."
The customer thought for a moment, but didn't respond because he didn't want to start an argument. The barber finished his job and the
customer left the shop.
Just after he left the barbershop, he saw a man in the street with long, stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard. He looked dirty and unkempt.
The customer turned back and entered the barber shop again and he said to the barber: "You know what? Barbers do not exist."
"How can you say that?" asked the surprised barber.
"I am here, and I am a barber. And I just worked on you!"
"No!" the customer exclaimed. "Barbers don't exist because if they did, there would be no people with dirty long hair and untrimmed beards,
like that man outside."
"Ah, but barbers DO exist! That's what happens when people do not come to me."
"Exactly!" affirmed the customer. "That's the point! God, too, DOES exist! That's what happens when people do not go to Him and don't look
to Him for help. That's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|